A Letter To Honey....

A Letter To Honey.....

In three short days it will be five months...since I had to let you go. Since I've held your hand or kissed your head....add a few more days and even though you were so very sick, since you told me you loved me and smiled your beautiful smile. My God how I've missed you....

I tell myself that it's getting better. That I'm learning to live without you...but that's a lie. I HATE being without you. I've had days without tears...even moments when I can smile and laugh but they are fleeting and often filled with guilt. Yes dear...I hear you...but I cannot change how I feel.

I've worked hard to try and fulfill some of the many promises you asked of me. Both knee joints have been replaced and going into the fourth week, (3 days past the third week on the first knee.) I'm ahead of the curve physically and am aggressively weening myself off the pain meds. I mostly use them to help me sleep and am strictly adhering to the medical advice of the doctors and therapist. I'm still watching what I eat and have lost 26 pounds. The goal is another fifty by this time next year. Ambitiously, my return to work date is February the 16^th. We'll see.

I should be allowed to drive after the 18^th of this month and hope to go and see our boys and spend time with Joe and Lisa and the family as well. The holidays have been truly miserable...I don't expect that to change anytime soon. The memories of better times...of your laughter and merriment are what keep's me going and of course, brings me to tears...huddled on our bed, miserable and sobbing helplessly.

Which brings me to those things that I've not done so well at...I haven't been as receptive as I could be to offers of assistance. You know I've always sucked at that. I also haven't been writing...very little anyway. This small piece has taken many hours and even more tissues. The focus just isn't there. The honey-isms that I want to share, simply won't come. They're too painful to think about...still. I find myself withdrawing more and more...and I know. It's not what you wanted. It is what it is....you told me not to be angry. But I am.

At myself...at the disease and God...at people in general. I resent what I no longer have...knowing a thing is petty and wrong doesn't prevent you from feeling it anyway. Not one damn bit. The world moves on...as do we all. That simple truth hurts...each and every day. That it would continue without such a beautiful soul seems wrong...and out of place. Am I alone? Of course not...it happen's every day. My feelings are not unique...but my heart doesn't care about reason or logic. It only knows that without you, it feels barren as a field on winters morning and that harsh wind that blows through it, leaves me shivering and broken.

I don't know what tomorrow brings...my short term goals are simple survival. A to B, day in and out. You know I won't quit. It's not in me...much as I sometimes wish it was. You were my joy and delight...you made everything new and possible. I find it harder to care...but I will keep going.

I try hard to be thankful...for all that we had. For those that still love and support me...to do as you asked of me...but baby it's HARD. So Goddamned hard...I love you Tammy Jean and I miss you so much.

I'll keep swinging honey...I promised I would.  

Tear's At Dawn...

Tears at Dawn...

I was beginning to wonder if it'd ever happen but for a couple of days this past week, there were no tears for my girl. It lasted two days and returned with a vengeance that's left me hollow and numb...the minds a funny thing. We can rationalize a thing, KNOW the reality of it and accept the logic but our hearts will still give not one damn for any of it.

Once again, it's O'Dark thirty....and the ache of my heart seems to leave a gap in my soul that erodes my ability to feel things normally. I'm either raw and on the ragged edge of tears or closed down completely, shutting out everyone and everything. I try very hard not to default to the latter...but I realize that I've failed miserably at that recently. If I've hurt feelings in that regard, my apologies.

In five days my first knee replacement will take place, followed by the second seven days later. Everything is in place in terms of logistics...food, physical therapy and sufficient distractions to keep me from going stir crazy (I hope) for the first 5-6 weeks of isolation. After that, I should be able to drive and I hope to spend some time with my family both in South Dakota and Tennessee. My targeted return date for work is February 16^th. Three months....which will complete a promise I made to my sweet honey. Beyond that? I just don't know. I have some long term goals and like most people, I'll be bound to my place of employment for the foreseeable future. I'll be 5 hours from family in one direction and 11 in the other...it is what it is. Four months past that and I'll be 54 and nearly a year without the love of my life....how is that even possible?

It hammers home the simple truths we all know but tend to ignore. The world will continue without you...time will march forward, relentless and uncaring no matter how much we rage against it. I understand now how so many people simply give up...what's the point, right? It's something I've wrestled with these past months daily. If God is the answer and everything happens for a reason, then was my honey's suffering for a higher purpose? If so, Gabriel is going to have his hands full when my time comes...

My honey was the spiritual rock in our household. I'm not talking about organized religion, which has failed miserably in my experience but there ARE people who; like my dear girl, exemplify both the example and the intent of all religions. They are compassionate, caring and selfless....they help strangers because they want to make a difference. It's these few that give me hope that there is a bigger purpose in our existence. They're spiritual but not necessarily religious in the conventional sense. They believe (as my honey did) they have faith. I truly wish I did...I've been reading her much marked and highlighted bible lately. I've read it (and most other spiritual books) many times over the years. As a soldier and police officer, I've seen the atrocities people of all nationalities can inflict on one another...the price of free will? Maybe. She believed in the goodness of people...of the ability of almost anyone to become a better person if given a chance. It's one of the things I loved about her...and something I've always struggled with. Trust. Mostly, I don't...

I can almost hear her chuckle and repeat the mantra she whispered so often into my ear... “Love and encourage, boy.” She did teach this knuckle dragger to do that, albeit with one hand figuratively still firmly placed on the butt of a handgun. SO....as the sun comes up this morning, it reflects off the tears that stain my face...I see her beauty there...her heart and her desires for me to embrace another day.

I'm trying baby...but oh how I miss you and your loving embrace....I hope and I pray that you're in a better place. Beyond the pain and the hurt...I love you Tammy Jean.

Walls and Wishes...

Walls and Wishes.....

As I sit sipping coffee this morning, I reflect on the stillness of my environment. It's more than just the predawn quiet, it's the absence of presence and the knowledge of loss that makes what should be a simple time of recharging; instead an uncomfortable reminder of the hollowness in my heart....

It's a testament to the depth of my love for my sweetest honey and a true example of how very much she enriched my life. I know that there are people that enjoy being single and truth be told, I've never been bothered by being alone...but I miss my soulmate. That feeling of completeness that comes with the certainty of a safe harbor...of a place and a person that truly accepts and loves who and what you are...flawed as that may be.

As children our experiences teach each of us to build walls. Defensible places that we can shelter parts of ourselves from harm. As we become adults, these walls become multi-layered mechanisms for interacting with others. It's natural and a commonality all humans share...we expose only those aspects that we feel comfortable with and that can be quickly withdrawn when we perceive a possible threat. It's a survival mechanism hardwired into each of us. Those things which we hold most dear...our dreams and wishes of the heart are some of the most tightly held. We learn from hard experience to heavily shield that which can hurt us most deeply.

When we love, we slowly learn to allow each other to see all of those sanctums. Our fears, weaknesses and dreams reside here and when used against us or judged irrelevant, the damage can be catastrophic; resulting in walls so thick that we deny access even to ourselves. Honey and I spent years carefully learning how to share and truly know each other fully...in each of us lies greatness and sorrow. Learning to embrace and encourage such dynamically different parts of another is both challenging and ultimately rewarding that it defies description.

It's what makes each of us special and unique...

It was my honey's wish that I not rebuild those walls that she so lovingly created doors too. In some cases, into places I had kept locked even to myself. I'm not a braggart but even in my diminished physical condition, there isn't a man on the planet that I fear...I know I can more than hold my own...and yet I can feel some of those bricks being layered once more. Closing off things and places that I'm no longer sure I can go.

I know some of this is grief but as of late I've also found myself isolating large parts of my life simply because they're painful. I'm writing less...ignoring lines of communication and becoming less social. I've never been very dynamic in that arena but I it's becoming more strained as I struggle to stay minimally connected. For those of you that I hadn't responded to, my apologies...I do sincerely appreciate your efforts.

So...my wish and my hope is that I'll keep journaling my experiences and in doing so maybe scribble something that is relatable and relevant. My fear is that this is an exercise in futility, that my random ramblings are just that....meaningless rants. So be it... for the moment, this is an effort for me to unscramble and sort through the mess I've become.

In my heart I know that this mattered to her and in this way I can rationalize that I tried...for both of us.

If you're still reading, all I know is this...even Superman in his fortress of solitude needed Lois...if you have someone in your life that you hold dear, let them in...work on it together. All things of greatness require risk...and encouragement. Embrace the differences fully...enjoy the simple act of being free to lower your defenses and be who you are. Share your desires and pursue your dreams...hand in hand, for as long as you can...we get one shot and settling is a path to defeat.

And if you're alone? Do what you can...in whatever form that looks like to offer a glimpse behind those parapets. Try...as I am, to share some of your own light. Maybe...just maybe, it'll light another's way. It's a worthy wish from a famous quote...

Worthy are the broken...that rise again and again.

I hear you babe...softly whispering my dear honey.

Time...

A sweet honey update....Our trip last week was a wonderful time spent with family, culminating with a four day camping trip. It was a bucket list check for my girl and she was simply ecstatic to have been able to enjoy this adventure. She ate well and had good energy for most of our time. By Saturday, she was forced to rest more and on our return Sunday, she slept for the majority of the day. This continued through Monday and I (we) simply assumed she'd overdone it a bit...we were right and simultaneously, wrong.

As the first of our grown children arrived Tuesday, it quickly became apparent that she'd taken a turn for the worse. She no longer has the strength to even cross the room with assistance. The effort required to simply to sit up and attend to her lungs and change her clothing leaves her breathless and panicky...a portable toilet was delivered and it takes all her strength to use it. An assault on her dignity and her pride...she still fights...so damn hard for every inch this insidious disease takes from her but it's becoming ever more costly. In pain...in torment...even her memories are beginning to be affected and this perhaps most of all, is the worst of it.

I am so incredibly proud of her. Awed by her tenacity and her strength and determination....by her capacity to love so fiercely and care so deeply that everyone she meets bask in that beacon of hope and optimism...and as selfishly as I want to cling to her...enough. I pray now only for enough time for her to see our other son, who flies in tomorrow and her family that is assembling this Sunday for her. Please God...give her this and release her from this torment. Enough.

My eldest son, David has been a pillar of strength...he has his mothers heart and her stubbornness. Like his father, he tries very hard not to let his mother see his tears...we've both failed at that on occasion this week. We have work to do...a hospital bed is being delivered today, so we've got to rearrange the living room to accommodate it. My honey loves to see the outdoors and the large sliding glass window will best allow that...we'll make it happen.

I thought I was beyond tears...but every still moment finds me wracked with them. Shaking uncontrollably for long moments of anguish...and rage at that which I cannot change. So....I write....when I can.

Thank you all for your prayers and support. It truly has been a blessing and a harbor for us both. I'll continue to add honey-ism's as I can...I have no idea of what comes next...I know the inevitable...but I'm just numb beyond that.

As always and ever...my indomitable honey, sends her love.

Tis A Reason

With the holiday season past, we look forward to the upcoming year with hope and optimism. Like most folks, I tend to reflect on the past year and weigh victories and defeats. It's a part of the human condition. What we mustn't do and what I am struggling to rectify in my own behavior is simply this...We CANNOT and SHOULD not accept ties! 

In our relationships and our professions, tying is the realization of "good enough!"As a writer this past year I've done several pieces that while acceptable, I KNEW weren't of a caliber that I was capable of.  I settled for "good enough." Shameful and ultimately; lazy.  Oh I have all the standard excuses...work pressures, family issues, personal problems, ect. but it boils down to this...I shrugged it off and let it slide because it was EASIER! 

We all need a reason for the things that we do...be it working, playing or writing. We justify the time, money and effort spent in each of these endeavors, allocating resources as we deem fit. Most often we place markers on our efforts by the tangable returns we see...in most instances this is indeed a valuable and time tested methodology. In matters of the heart and in our authoring expenditures however, it can be fool hardy.

As authors we work on projects and pour an enormous amount of time and effort into them. At SOME point, we DO have to send these works into the world and allow the readers to evaluate them. That's what story telling is all about, isn't it? We WILL be rejected by some and accepted by others. It is a part of the process, BUT we need to honestly evaluate the feedback we're given to improve our craft and hone our own abilities. More importantly, we need to commit ourselves to a dedicated schedule of writing, research and tradecraft that will consistently raise our personal standards. 

Failure is completely acceptable IF we've given our best in the effort. If we truly do THAT, failing is simply a strength building exercise for our next attempt! This applies in our writing and our life. To me, reaching a place of comfort where I'm willing to settle and say this is 'good enough' means I've acccepted that I can get no better and do no more. To ME...striving for the next level, PUSHING past the plateau is what life is all about! Digging deeper into the complexities of the human condition and ourselves is what enriches our experiences and widens our horizons...apply THAT to your WRITING and well...let's just say, tis the reason. 

One Sided Tolerance

This morning as I watch the stories coming in from Paris, I am sad and sickened but yet another senseless act of violence. My heart goes out to the people of Paris and their families. There are always a variety of opinions with such tradgedies but the one that mystifies me is the disclaimer I keep seeing attached to this one.

The repeated calls for 'tolerance' as applied to the Islamic refugees and the opening of our borders to them. Do I believe all the refugees are terrorist? No, of course not. Are there extremist using them as cover? I'd say that's a pretty safe bet.
Are they Muslim? Foolish question...yes, they are. So WHY are so many folks afraid to say so? Denying a thing because it isn't politically correct is madness. These terrorist ARE Muslim extremist and yes, that's a perversion of the religion but that doesn't change the facts.

This is not a call to hate Muslims. Hating all Muslims for the acts of terrorist is akin to hating all Christians for the actions of the Westboro church. Madness...plain and simple. BUT...

There is NO WAY to reliably weed out the fanatics from the victims. If anyone can give me a realistic way to do so, I'd be delighted to hear it. I'm not saying that we shouldn't help, but I AM saying that bringing unknown elements into our country is foolhardy. Camps could be established with no fly zones in their own country. Help with shelter, medicene and food are realistic and achievable goals. Security matters could (and SHOULD) be given to their own countrymen, who could be trained by NATO forces if need be. Once established, those wishing to enter other nations could do so through the establised processes already in place. Seems like common sense to me...

As a nation, we are known for our tolerance. Its part of what draws folks here and makes this country so great. Lately, it seems that we've been beat over the head with what MUST be excepted, least we be described as bigoted or racist. Standing for the very beliefs on which this country was founded are called outdated and old fashioned. Christians are ridiculed as are those speaking out for what they belief are traditional morals. Common sense has been caste aside in favor of the ridiculous. If the majority MUST respect the opinions of the few, why then is that respect not reciprocated?

Would you go to another country and demand that they speak your language, adhere to your religious viewpoint and enact your birth countries customs and laws? If so...then WHY did you leave that nation in the first place? Curious...is it not?

My point is simply this...their have ALWAYS been those who will not only use tragedies to their advantage, they'll figure out a way to profit from it. Such is the darker side of the human condtion but when is enough, ENOUGH?
How many innocents do we sacrifice in the name of blind belief? The belief that prayer or a better ideology will change the minds of extremist and that they'll suddenly join hands and sing Kum-By-Yah is foolish and simple minded. That hasn't EVER worked in the history of mankind. Not once. Period.

There's no reasoning with such mindsets. They can't be bought or rehabilitated. They don't care who they hurt, whether it's women or children makes no difference. If something is rabid you have two choices...put it down or leave it be...and if you ignore it and it kills, infects and destroys everything in its path before it implodes, are you too; responsible?
In my minds eye... yes, you are.

In this age of unaccountability, the shrug and eye roll seem perfectly acceptable as answers for most folks. Perhahps I've reached the age where being flexible has become something I abhor. We ignore the homeless, the struggling vets, the hungry and helpless in our own country.
We applaud lawlessness and rioting in the name of equality while promoting a disregard for authority and a lack of respect for decency and common sense.
A growing number of our countrymen are becoming more dependent on handouts and fewer than ever are willing to work hard for the American dream. Maybe that's a part of the reason that so much of the chaos in the world is deemed...normal.

Have we lost the ability to separate real evil from the mediocre? I want to believe that we as a nation aren't to far gone. That the majority still believe in the core priciples that founded this great country. I want to beleive that the majority has been silent...quietly hoping for change. The time for quiet acceptance is over. If you are one of the silent majority, its time to stand...peaceably and in a dignified manner.

Common sense. Dignity. Justice for all. Those words need to be understood by ALL. No one group should have the ability or right to ride herd over the majority when the basic idea makes NO SENSE. It must be reasonable and realistic. Trashing the rights of hundreds for the perceived right of the one is ludicrous...and it's in the news nearly every day.

For our leadership to pretend this isn't a global issue and to hamstring our professional soldiers in carrying out their missions isn't just criminally negligent, its disgraceful. By most accounts, our current leadership has gotten rid of more high ranking officers than any CIC in history. More than a little unsettling with the current state of the worlds affairs in my mind. If we can't trust our leadership to act in good faith with the wishes of the majority and to follow the rules, then we the people need to demand a change.

Don't wait for the upcoming elections. Make your voice HEARD to your elected officials! The time for silent indifference to important choices is over. As the debates rage over the xenophobic intolerance of western nations, I pose this simple question.  WHERE are the muslim majority that I keep hearing about that oppose the atrocities of radical extremist?

When a moment of silence was asked for at a soccer game in Turkey (our allies) for the victims of the Paris attacks, the crowd BOO'D and chanted Allah Akbar! REALLY? These weren't fanatics or terrorist but they couldn't even show a mutual moment of respect for innocent lives lost?

That is what I would call disgraceful. Disrespectful. Bewildering. And yet it wasn't on the mainstream news outlets...a gathering in Paris of muslim's speaking out against terrorism, a country with a population of FIVE MILLION muslims, drew a whooping THIRTY people. How is that possible? Once more...no news coverage.

IF the Islamic community remains silent in its opposition to such attacks AND cannot even show a single moment of solidarity as a whole, I wonder how then they can expect there to be any other viewpoints than fear and suspicion.

It's a complex issue and there aren't any easy answers but blindly rushing headlong into a wall, ignoring the obvious hasn't worked well so far. Do the research. Make INFORMED and rational decisions and MOST importantly, be involved in your communities and with your elected state and federal representatives. If they aren't doing the jobs they were elected for, it's OUR responsibility and duty to see that changed.