Outlook on 2018...

Outlook on 2018....

For the first time in many years, I was awake to bring in the new year without being scheduled to work. There was no magical transference allowing me to forget or leave my grief behind. I can honestly say that I'm both deeply saddened and glad to see 2017 come to an end. I lost the love of my life, my dearest honey but it also brought an end to her suffering with cancer. Oh how I miss your sweet kisses my girl!

It seems only fitting then, that the new year started out with record breaking cold here in Iowa. Sub zero temperatures not seen since 1887...actual temperatures at -20, with windchills as low as -45 below zero. It mirrors the arctic wind that howls thru my heart.

My honey had a list...one that I'm trying to honor as best I can. My knee joints have been replaced and are healing on schedule. I returned from a trip to Tennessee a few days ago, returning my beloved's ashes to our boys along with mementos collected over the years. Regrettably, the trip was cut short by inclement weather both in Iowa and surprisingly, Tennessee as well.

This weekend I packed the majority of your clothing as you wished for a local charity. A task that should've taken a few hours took two days and a river of tears....each piece a memory to let go of. I kept a handful of things for myself and family. For me, this was harder than the knee replacement surgeries by far. One of your friends came and took things I know she'll use...you would've liked that and I thank her for sharing some of that burden. There are a few other things to sort through, mostly fitness or police gear and books but that can wait for another day.

Another PT evaluation in the morning and then I will deliver your clothing to the shelter. The final tangible task on my honey's list....and I can't help but wonder what next? I know I still have a month's worth of work to do before I can return to my job but that purpose alone does nothing to calm the ache or the sorrow.

I know my girl...promises. I'm doing the best I can. As for the rest...One day, sometimes one minute at a time. You were my peace and my purpose. My happiness and joy...and while I treasure our time, I cannot help but mourn it's loss. Still.

I can't see what the new year holds...none of us can. I only know that the love in my heart still belongs to you...always and forever, my honey.  

Taking Honey Home....

This past week has been a whirlwind of activity, coupled with long hours of solitude while driving to and from Tennessee where honey and I lived for so long. While primarily it was to spend time with our grown boy's and return their mother's ashes and mementos, I was also able to visit some very dear friends and even witness (behind the curtain!) the birth of the fifth grandchild in a very special family.

To ALL of them, I say thank you, for including me in such a precious moment and I know that the upcoming sixth grandchild (in about a month) will be a wonderful blessing as well. I am honored and blessed beyond words by your love and kindness. To those of you that I missed, I apologize...inclement weather (In Iowa) cut my trip shorter than planned. Such is life...we do the best we can.

The time spent with my boy's was emotional and special as well. I got to see firsthand how they're not only coping with the loss of their mother but doing their best to fulfill her (our) desire to live fully and to pursue happiness each day. I'm proud of both of them and I know my honey would be bursting at the seams. David and Josh...I love you. I know that juggling your work schedules and personal schedules is always challenging, I enjoyed every minute we spent together! :o)

I was able to visit many of the places honey and I lived and loved...time changes many things but the memories remain. Bittersweet and tearful as it was, I'm glad I took the time to see them again. The next task on her list is too give her personal belongings (clothing, etc.) to those in need. I found a local shelter for battered women and children and it will be receiving most of it. I think she'd have liked that...boxing those will be HARD but I intend to have it finished by the end of this coming weekend.

After that? I just don't know...the rest of honey's list isn't something I can predict or put a specific time to. The knees are coming along but are stiff and swollen from all the hour's of driving. Ice and elevation will take care of that in a day or two. Baring the unforeseen I should be able to return to work by my target date of February 16^th.

I'm still trying to find my footing and struggling to keep my mind and heart open to the possibility of happiness and love. I KNOW I have those things in my children and dear friends....it's what keeps me moving me forward. At this point, I can't imagine ever finding a personal relationship like I had with my sweet honey. Impossible. So...I will just keep doing the best I can each and every day. I have goals and task to complete once I return to work and that in itself will keep me busy for the immediate future.

I am thankful for what I have...yes dear. But damn, I miss you my girl....forever my sweet honey. 

A Letter To Honey....

A Letter To Honey.....

In three short days it will be five months...since I had to let you go. Since I've held your hand or kissed your head....add a few more days and even though you were so very sick, since you told me you loved me and smiled your beautiful smile. My God how I've missed you....

I tell myself that it's getting better. That I'm learning to live without you...but that's a lie. I HATE being without you. I've had days without tears...even moments when I can smile and laugh but they are fleeting and often filled with guilt. Yes dear...I hear you...but I cannot change how I feel.

I've worked hard to try and fulfill some of the many promises you asked of me. Both knee joints have been replaced and going into the fourth week, (3 days past the third week on the first knee.) I'm ahead of the curve physically and am aggressively weening myself off the pain meds. I mostly use them to help me sleep and am strictly adhering to the medical advice of the doctors and therapist. I'm still watching what I eat and have lost 26 pounds. The goal is another fifty by this time next year. Ambitiously, my return to work date is February the 16^th. We'll see.

I should be allowed to drive after the 18^th of this month and hope to go and see our boys and spend time with Joe and Lisa and the family as well. The holidays have been truly miserable...I don't expect that to change anytime soon. The memories of better times...of your laughter and merriment are what keep's me going and of course, brings me to tears...huddled on our bed, miserable and sobbing helplessly.

Which brings me to those things that I've not done so well at...I haven't been as receptive as I could be to offers of assistance. You know I've always sucked at that. I also haven't been writing...very little anyway. This small piece has taken many hours and even more tissues. The focus just isn't there. The honey-isms that I want to share, simply won't come. They're too painful to think about...still. I find myself withdrawing more and more...and I know. It's not what you wanted. It is what it is....you told me not to be angry. But I am.

At myself...at the disease and God...at people in general. I resent what I no longer have...knowing a thing is petty and wrong doesn't prevent you from feeling it anyway. Not one damn bit. The world moves on...as do we all. That simple truth hurts...each and every day. That it would continue without such a beautiful soul seems wrong...and out of place. Am I alone? Of course not...it happen's every day. My feelings are not unique...but my heart doesn't care about reason or logic. It only knows that without you, it feels barren as a field on winters morning and that harsh wind that blows through it, leaves me shivering and broken.

I don't know what tomorrow brings...my short term goals are simple survival. A to B, day in and out. You know I won't quit. It's not in me...much as I sometimes wish it was. You were my joy and delight...you made everything new and possible. I find it harder to care...but I will keep going.

I try hard to be thankful...for all that we had. For those that still love and support me...to do as you asked of me...but baby it's HARD. So Goddamned hard...I love you Tammy Jean and I miss you so much.

I'll keep swinging honey...I promised I would.  

Tear's At Dawn...

Tears at Dawn...

I was beginning to wonder if it'd ever happen but for a couple of days this past week, there were no tears for my girl. It lasted two days and returned with a vengeance that's left me hollow and numb...the minds a funny thing. We can rationalize a thing, KNOW the reality of it and accept the logic but our hearts will still give not one damn for any of it.

Once again, it's O'Dark thirty....and the ache of my heart seems to leave a gap in my soul that erodes my ability to feel things normally. I'm either raw and on the ragged edge of tears or closed down completely, shutting out everyone and everything. I try very hard not to default to the latter...but I realize that I've failed miserably at that recently. If I've hurt feelings in that regard, my apologies.

In five days my first knee replacement will take place, followed by the second seven days later. Everything is in place in terms of logistics...food, physical therapy and sufficient distractions to keep me from going stir crazy (I hope) for the first 5-6 weeks of isolation. After that, I should be able to drive and I hope to spend some time with my family both in South Dakota and Tennessee. My targeted return date for work is February 16^th. Three months....which will complete a promise I made to my sweet honey. Beyond that? I just don't know. I have some long term goals and like most people, I'll be bound to my place of employment for the foreseeable future. I'll be 5 hours from family in one direction and 11 in the other...it is what it is. Four months past that and I'll be 54 and nearly a year without the love of my life....how is that even possible?

It hammers home the simple truths we all know but tend to ignore. The world will continue without you...time will march forward, relentless and uncaring no matter how much we rage against it. I understand now how so many people simply give up...what's the point, right? It's something I've wrestled with these past months daily. If God is the answer and everything happens for a reason, then was my honey's suffering for a higher purpose? If so, Gabriel is going to have his hands full when my time comes...

My honey was the spiritual rock in our household. I'm not talking about organized religion, which has failed miserably in my experience but there ARE people who; like my dear girl, exemplify both the example and the intent of all religions. They are compassionate, caring and selfless....they help strangers because they want to make a difference. It's these few that give me hope that there is a bigger purpose in our existence. They're spiritual but not necessarily religious in the conventional sense. They believe (as my honey did) they have faith. I truly wish I did...I've been reading her much marked and highlighted bible lately. I've read it (and most other spiritual books) many times over the years. As a soldier and police officer, I've seen the atrocities people of all nationalities can inflict on one another...the price of free will? Maybe. She believed in the goodness of people...of the ability of almost anyone to become a better person if given a chance. It's one of the things I loved about her...and something I've always struggled with. Trust. Mostly, I don't...

I can almost hear her chuckle and repeat the mantra she whispered so often into my ear... “Love and encourage, boy.” She did teach this knuckle dragger to do that, albeit with one hand figuratively still firmly placed on the butt of a handgun. SO....as the sun comes up this morning, it reflects off the tears that stain my face...I see her beauty there...her heart and her desires for me to embrace another day.

I'm trying baby...but oh how I miss you and your loving embrace....I hope and I pray that you're in a better place. Beyond the pain and the hurt...I love you Tammy Jean.

An Update and Admission

An Update and Admission....

First a word of thanks for all who have taken the time to let me know that they're thinking of me and dropping by with a kind word of encouragement. It means more than I can possible tell you...greatly appreciated.

My doctors appointment for my finger went well and I'm cleared for surgery on the 9^th and 16^th of November. I do still have to see the surgeon this coming Monday (30^th) and do another pre-op physical. Baring the unexpected, everything should be green lighted. So...seven more working days with my 12 hour schedule. Avoiding boo-boo's will be my top priority! :o)

For those whom have never done industrial maintenance...easier said than done! There's ALWAYS something to stick, poke, cut or burn you...a slip of the wrench, brush the wrong piping...instant oowee! Mostly minor nicks and the like but when the doc says NO open wounds...challenging. Even with rolled down sleeves and gloves. Nature of the beast and all that....it'll work out.

I've been asked by a few folks what my plans are and to be honest, I don't know. I've got some rather long term goals but no specific plans beyond the upcoming knee surgery and the recovery, which the doctor optimistically hopes will have me returned to work by mid February. He said complete recovery, i.e. no swelling, pain or stiffness generally takes about 18 months. Terrific...I think!

A wise friend told me I needed to try and let go of the why (of my honey's death) and focus on the what now and when...sage indeed. This is also what my girl told me...repeatedly. I have no earthly idea of how to do any of that but it has made me think more deeply of late on what I want...eventually.

I know that if and when my heart is ready, I will not settle. I want what I lost...balance. Some people can be happy alone and I was once very much a loner. My honey gave me a different perspective on life and people. I still don't trust easily but I am much more open and willing to listen than I was. Some people can feel happy alone. I don't know if you can feel complete that way...I used to think I was but I know better now. For me there is a special joy in sharing an experience with someone...in the simplicity of pleasing another with a touch or a gesture.

The act of looking into another's eyes and feeling them touch your soul...of KNOWING that you're touching theirs...that's completion. Its joy. It's living and its love.

That's what I've lost...that connection...and it's what some never find. It's certainly something worth looking for but I'm not certain I have the patience or the ability to do so anymore. We are each unique but unified in our desires to live a life worthy of remembering. Of leaving our mark in this world. Empires fall, trends fade but memories are eternal. They can be passed on for generations. We should all strive to make remarkable impressions on those we love and those we can help in our own way. My honey did...

With her I learned that intimacy transcends the purely physical...without that soulful connection it's just sex. I'm not saying that's a bad thing but to me, holding her in my arms or laying together and running my fingers through her hair and massaging her scalp as she drifted off on my chest...heavenly. Those simple things...hearing her sing happily unaware I was home...stolen kisses at inappropriate moments...a pat or passing touch...all of THAT and more...that's what I want. Can lightning strike twice? I don't know...but that's some of the what.

As to the when...SIGH...someone said God would tell me when my heart was ready. Since we're not exactly on speaking terms at the moment, I won't hold my breath...but it's not now. All I can offer is this...

Find what makes you happy and gives you balance. Hold on to it and cherish that person...be vocal and make the time. Make memories...they needed be extravagant. Just heartfelt. Dance in the rain...in the store or the parking lot. Steal kisses...hold hands...chase each other naked! Whatever makes you laugh or smile... be silly and real.

We each get one day at a time...don't waste a single one.

Anniversaries and Adversities....

Anniversaries and Adversities....

This for me has been a week of sleepless nights and bone deep sorrow....not on the pot but close enough to stare at it longingly. Tomorrow marks the anniversary of the day I married my sweet honey. We would have marked 18 years of marriage and very near twenty years together...I consider it the single greatest accomplishment of my life.

We weren't perfect but we were very good for each other. We always strove to put the other first and be honest to a fault. It was painful and exhilarating....we had trails that would've destroyed most couples but we held on and endured. We taught each other how to love...unashamedly and unconditionally. She made me a better man and a more complete person.

She taught me that joy comes from the simplest things and that even our darkest moments can be embraced and learned from....if we just change our perspective. It is this loving lesson that I cling to now. Desperately.

On our wedding day, those many years ago, we'd planned a simple outdoor service. At a friends house that had a beautiful backyard in the county. It wasn't extravagant in any fashion...financially our divorces had left both of us starting over but she was beautiful in a simple white gown and I had on the only suit I owned. At the time we lived 80+ miles from the place we'd chosen to be married and we traveled there because it was close to where my best friend (who was very sick with cancer) lived.

Amazingly, a large number of our martial arts outreach families made the trip that day...we started outside but before the service could be completed, the Tennessee skies opened up and the entire group was quickly drenched in a down pour. Our friend had a converted outbuilding that was his dojo (martial arts studio) and the entire group retreated inside...to say it was packed was like saying a sardine can was roomy! Many in attendance were professional soldiers and they quickly rigged a makeshift covering for the grills set up outside...grinningly cooking, drenched in the blowing rain...tarps were thrown on the floor to protect the mats. Hardly the romantic ceremony I'd hoped for...and yet, there she stood...damp...smiling and as beautiful as the morning sun. We exchanged vows and simple bands...my girl sang for me...her voice quavering and angelic...eyes brimming with happy tears. We danced...slowly and locked into each others eyes. I fed her cake...nicely...my best friend encouraged her to smash my piece into my face...which she did for him, giggling madly.

People applauded...many in tears for our union. Best day ever...and one that we each celebrated every year. No matter the circumstances. Be it before or after work...most times in simple intimate ways...I once filled her SUV with balloons, each having a scrap of paper with an endearment of my love. We spent an evening on our deck in the moonlight...dancing to a tape of love songs she'd made for me...whispering the words in my ear as we swayed together.

For those that don't know me...I have two dancing styles...Fonzie slow dance and a version of being tazered while remaining upright! Honey was the dancer...she could literally dance to anything and tolerated my ineptness with humor and grace. We loved each other daily...holding hands and stealing kisses. A thousand tiny gestures that strung together are a love and a life lived and shared, always together...which is why I am so lost without you babe.

You sweet Tammy Jean were my world...my hopes...and my dreams...always included you. You asked me to keep dreaming...to cherish each day. I am trying. Truly. Your memory and selflessness encourage me and give me strength...most days. But I miss you...and I miss us. I think a part of me always will. It's that corner of my heart that keeps me going...makes me face another day. If not with joy, then at least with a stubborn determination to fulfill my promises to you. Yes dear...still hard-headed...despite your best efforts.

I don't know if I can ever love again...I know that was your hope. Your wish for me...but for now at least, it's beyond my ability to do. I love my family...I cherish my friendships but beyond that? I just don't know. I once told you that anything was possible as long as you kept pushing no matter how many doors were closed on you...I believed that and in you...as long as it was desired, right?

Maybe I was wrong...in life, some things are closed forever...beyond our reach. It's the reality...but does that mean our dreams become less meaningful? Our desires diminished and our drives forever crushed? I know what my girl would say...she'd say, “Follow your heart boy...it's a good one.”

If that was ever true, it's a broken one now...but I hear you honey. Happy anniversary baby....I love you. 

Walls and Wishes...

Walls and Wishes.....

As I sit sipping coffee this morning, I reflect on the stillness of my environment. It's more than just the predawn quiet, it's the absence of presence and the knowledge of loss that makes what should be a simple time of recharging; instead an uncomfortable reminder of the hollowness in my heart....

It's a testament to the depth of my love for my sweetest honey and a true example of how very much she enriched my life. I know that there are people that enjoy being single and truth be told, I've never been bothered by being alone...but I miss my soulmate. That feeling of completeness that comes with the certainty of a safe harbor...of a place and a person that truly accepts and loves who and what you are...flawed as that may be.

As children our experiences teach each of us to build walls. Defensible places that we can shelter parts of ourselves from harm. As we become adults, these walls become multi-layered mechanisms for interacting with others. It's natural and a commonality all humans share...we expose only those aspects that we feel comfortable with and that can be quickly withdrawn when we perceive a possible threat. It's a survival mechanism hardwired into each of us. Those things which we hold most dear...our dreams and wishes of the heart are some of the most tightly held. We learn from hard experience to heavily shield that which can hurt us most deeply.

When we love, we slowly learn to allow each other to see all of those sanctums. Our fears, weaknesses and dreams reside here and when used against us or judged irrelevant, the damage can be catastrophic; resulting in walls so thick that we deny access even to ourselves. Honey and I spent years carefully learning how to share and truly know each other fully...in each of us lies greatness and sorrow. Learning to embrace and encourage such dynamically different parts of another is both challenging and ultimately rewarding that it defies description.

It's what makes each of us special and unique...

It was my honey's wish that I not rebuild those walls that she so lovingly created doors too. In some cases, into places I had kept locked even to myself. I'm not a braggart but even in my diminished physical condition, there isn't a man on the planet that I fear...I know I can more than hold my own...and yet I can feel some of those bricks being layered once more. Closing off things and places that I'm no longer sure I can go.

I know some of this is grief but as of late I've also found myself isolating large parts of my life simply because they're painful. I'm writing less...ignoring lines of communication and becoming less social. I've never been very dynamic in that arena but I it's becoming more strained as I struggle to stay minimally connected. For those of you that I hadn't responded to, my apologies...I do sincerely appreciate your efforts.

So...my wish and my hope is that I'll keep journaling my experiences and in doing so maybe scribble something that is relatable and relevant. My fear is that this is an exercise in futility, that my random ramblings are just that....meaningless rants. So be it... for the moment, this is an effort for me to unscramble and sort through the mess I've become.

In my heart I know that this mattered to her and in this way I can rationalize that I tried...for both of us.

If you're still reading, all I know is this...even Superman in his fortress of solitude needed Lois...if you have someone in your life that you hold dear, let them in...work on it together. All things of greatness require risk...and encouragement. Embrace the differences fully...enjoy the simple act of being free to lower your defenses and be who you are. Share your desires and pursue your dreams...hand in hand, for as long as you can...we get one shot and settling is a path to defeat.

And if you're alone? Do what you can...in whatever form that looks like to offer a glimpse behind those parapets. Try...as I am, to share some of your own light. Maybe...just maybe, it'll light another's way. It's a worthy wish from a famous quote...

Worthy are the broken...that rise again and again.

I hear you babe...softly whispering my dear honey.

Real Love

I was going through honey's computer today...making sure I got pictures that I didn't have, ect. This was the machine she used for college, so there TONS of documents on it but I came across a bunch of titles that I thought were odd and sure enough, there is a (to me) treasure trove of little things she jotted down but never showed me...this is one of them. Yup....I cried...a lot. 

 This is a family poem. I am writing about the love that my husband shows me. It is about me running my first marathon.

 Real Love 

 My day has started it’s 4am The coffee is brewing my bag is packed I’m running in circles and there he calmly stands The love of my life picking up my slack

 Without question he will get me going Thinking of all the little things I forgot He takes such care of me without even knowing Never given to himself a single thought 

 The race has started and he waits patiently to the end Taking pictures and yelling you’ve got this doll My wonderful husband my greatest fan Meets me at the finish line standing proud and tall

 True love he shows is so many ways The test of time has come and gone I cherish the way he loves me every day And my love for him will forever be strong

A Ride In The Rain....

A honey-ism. 

A Ride In The Rain...

As honey and I began our relationship those many years ago, we began like many couples do that are either in or coming out of a failed marriage. Hesitantly...with baggage, preconceptions and expectations that were no doubt skewed by the desires of the heart. Add children into that mix and you have the potential for disaster...at the very LEAST, there's going to be some fairly severe adjustments for everyone involved. It's messy under the best circumstances. Period. 

Our first romantic moment was actually anti-climatic. It'd been storming for several days and as usual, I was spending a Sunday morning at the dojo trying to catch up on the paperwork and cleaning the facility. The school was closed and I clearly recall my mood as being bleak. I was going though a difficult divorce and felt like I'd failed...yes, it takes two to do that but it didn't change the way I felt. It was nearing noon and back then I was a smoker. As I was preparing to leave, finished for the day; I remember'd that I'd finished my last cigarette on my way in earlier...it deepened my annoyance. 

Scowling, I gathered my key's and heard a knock on the locked main glass door. I remember stopping and staying inside my office, hoping whoever it was would realize that the closed sign meant just that...I wasn't in the right frame of mind for a prospective client. A few seconds passed and just as I'd begun to hope my ploy had succeeded came another serious of knocks...more of an insistent banging. Grumbling obscenities under my breath, I headed to the door and reaching it; saw my honey huddled close to the building to try and avoid the steady drizzle.

Unlocking the door, I ushered her in greeting her but adding that I was just about to leave. Tj had nodded, clearly nervous (unusual for her) and smiling had blurted. “I was just sort'a driving around and saw your car here...I thought maybe...that...uhm...you'd like to get some lunch?” She'd smiled again as she finished but I could tell she was clearly not in her comfort zone. As I mulled it over, thinking more about getting that smoke ( I never smoked at the school or in front of students) than anything else, she quickly added. “You don't HAVE too! It's not a big deal or anything...” 

Chuckling because I'd never seen her uncertain about anything before, I'd started to answer but she misinterpreted my reaction as a rejection and started to hurriedly excuse herself. I placed a hand on her shoulder as she started to turn away, saying. “Whoa! Lunch would be great!” Meeting her gaze, I'd grinned, adding that I did need to make a quick stop first for my nicotine habit.
She'd just bought her very first new vehicle a few months before. A white Isuzu Rodeo...(which years later would become our oldest son's first car.) she was very proud of it and honey was not a smoker. I'd assumed we'd just take both vehicles so she surprised me by stating. “Tell you what...why don't we just take my car and I'll bring you back. We can get your smokes but I'd rather you not light up in it. Is that ok?”

As we stood looking at one another, I still recall something in my mind sensing that she wanted...or rather needed to tell me something that was important to her. Shrugging, I'd accepted adding that I could smoke after we ate. Back then, smoking in restaurants was acceptable. I no longer remember exactly where we ate but I do know it was typical to what we have done most of our relationship. Honey had a healthier, sensible meal...fish and a salad and I had red meat and potatoes in some fashion or another! LOL! Our conversation was light...work, the school, kids and some good natured ribbing about my eating habits and smoking. The rain had picked up and we both talked about how we enjoyed driving in it. The smell...the rhythmic thump of the wipers and especially the sound it on the metal roof. 

Hurrying back to her SUV, we both got in damp and a little chilled. Grinning broadly, she's asked if I wanted to go for a ride and I'd quickly agreed. Being a sheriffs deputy, honey knew all the backroads and this is were we drove. In the winding roads of the Tennessee countryside, traffic was light and after a while, we came to an abandoned gas station out in the middle of nowhere. The rain was coming down in a torrent...pounding the vehicle and blotting out visibility. Pulling in, she'd parked and we both just sat listening to the drumming deluge. Lightning flashed, illuminating the sky as thunder rumbled and boomed in it's passage. 

Haltingly...she'd broached the subject of her past. Telling me a little about her upbringing and some of the tragedies she'd endured. Her feelings of inadequacy...guilt...rage...all of these things came tumbling out. She'd cried..gripping the steering wheel in a iron grip...great soul wrenching sobs that had her shuddering. As I leaned across the seat, I gently pried her hands from the steering wheel and held her...it was all I could do. She was mumbling apologies...embarrassed at her loss of control. I'd heard only bit's and pieces but enough to know that she was in agony...seared by a torment that she usually kept hidden from the world. 

Almost in sync with the storm, as the rain slackened, her sobbing subsided. I could smell her damp hair and the light perfume that she wore. Pulling away from me she'd sniffed, rummaging for a tissue in the doors panel. What little mascara she wore was in ruins...blowing her nose and clearing her throat, she'd again turned toward me and mumbled apologies...a final flash of lightning close by illuminate us both in it's brilliance, the crashing boom loud enough to startle each of us. In that moment, I saw her as I suspect she'd rarely let anyone see her...vulnerable, with a sorrow that was achingly deep. 

Reaching across to wipe away a tear with my thumb, I'd kissed her. Softly...tenderly. It was a brief kiss but as I leaned back I saw her eyes open with surprise and even a little shock. My mind instantly roared into self recriminations...what had I done! I'd certainly breached my role as an instructor and mentor! Shit!! Idiot...now you've done it! 

As all of that raced through me, I started to pull away...sputtering what I'm sure was inarticulate nonsense...when she reached out and pulled me back, returning my kiss with one of her own. It was passionate and full of need, lasting sweet long minutes before we parted; each breathless and full of desire. There'd been no groping...but it's intensity had been unlike anything I'd ever experienced. I was lost in her eyes and wanted more but instead she hugged me fiercely, whispering into my ear that she was sorry before abruptly letting me go and putting the vehicle into gear, heading back towards town. 

It was still drizzling...and I couldn't help but watch her as she focused on the road. I'd asked if she was ok and she'd simply nodded. I'd apologized and she vigorously shook her head, mumbling that it was her fault...she'd been stupid. Although I asked several more questions and tried reassuring her that she wasn't guilty of anything, I got no further response. In time we arrived back to my own vehicle and I remember the swirl of confused emotions that I know we both were feeling...we had ignited a spark but neither of us had any idea what to do with it. 

As I opened my door to get out, she took my hand and squeezed. Locking eyes with me, her's had misted and she said simply. “Thank you.” I squeezed back, replying in kind before getting out and watching her drive away. I really doubted I'd ever see her again...but even then I'd known. 

She'd taken my heart with her that day in the rain.

A Honey Update...

My sweet girl 14 months ago in training for a 50+ competition....For those following along, you'll know a lot has changed for us these past months. My honey has been battling multiple types of cancer with a courage and vigor that have been truly amazing to behold. There is no quit in her.

Unfortunately three weeks ago, the choice was taken from her. The chemo treatments (after another long ten day stay) had beaten her immune system and body into a state that was no longer sustainable. The decision was made to focus on quality instead of quantity of life...it was the most difficult day of this process thus far.

We've been home a little over three weeks now and she's still struggling to eat anything solid. The lingering effects of treatments can last for as long as 10-12 weeks...time which she feels is being wasted still being sick and unable to do the 'normal' things that she so desperately wants too. The mouth and throat sore are healed and next week they'll likely remove the PIC in her arm.

The hospice team has been truly wonderful. They are an amazing group of loving and caring folks. Many of you here and our friends and family have also been a source of constant support and inspiration for both of us and I sincerely thank each and everyone of you. I know that my replies are often delayed and if I've missed someone, I apologize. The days seem to blur...it's not intentional.

The most difficult part has been watching the one I love the most, slowly be diminished both physically and spiritually. It's like staring at the sun as it slowly sets in the horizon...she's becoming less communicative and interested in the world around her. I'm told this is normal. I accept that...but it sears my soul to bear witness to the dimming of such a bright and beautiful beacon of hope and tenacity. Her kind and loving light is still there...but it's beginning to flicker as if caught in a strong wind.

She prefers now to sleep on the couch...a perplexity that I couldn't understand until a friend of her's told me that her greatest fear was of passing in her sleep and me waking to find her next to me...still...even now...she worries of me first. I think and believe that we are still far from there...but I could be wrong. Please God...let me be right...just this once.

And so....this will be my last sad post. I will instead be posting "honeyism's" from now on. Tales of our journey before this low point...of who she is and why I love her so very much...It won't be fitness stuff....so this forum may not be the right venue but follow along if you wish...unfriend me if you don't. It ain't that hard.

As always, my girls sends her thanks and much love to you all. Her eyes still sparkle in delight at your comments and your own personal victories. She is still prayerful for those facing their own struggles and heartache. As I mentioned...there's no quit in her.

As she so often told her own fitness and martial arts students...DON'T CHEAT YOU! Do your best and never worry about how other's perceive you...they don't live YOUR life and haven't the slightest clue of what you're capable of...be happy with who and where you are as long as your moving it forward, it's ALL good!

Yes dear...

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A Honey Update...

A honey update...She had a visit from a furry friend yesterday and enjoyed it immensely! :o) At six days out of the hospital, she is feeling a bit better physically. Eating is still challenging but the sores in her mouth and on her lips are nearly gone. Her throat seems to be healing the slowest and there are still periods of nausea and vomiting. Improving...but in small degrees.

The most difficult challenge so far had been the spiritual one. Adjusting to the idea of hospice care has been a stark reminder of the limitations of mortality. It's been disheartening for both of us. I think the even at her sickest, she always felt that she was 'fighting' the damnable cancer...for her, the cessation of chemo feels like quitting. She knows intellectually that isn't the case but it FEELS like it! After 14 months, I understand her weariness...but it hurts my heart to see her so melancholy.

Our hospice nurse has been terrific and is slowly making a personal connection with my honey. I marvel at the ability of such special people to dedicate themselves to helping (and I dare say, loving) other's facing such daunting challenges every day. It's a rare talent indeed.

We sat down and made a list of all the things cancer cannot do...
1. It cannot stop love.
2. It cannot diminish character.
3. It cannot crush spirit.
4. It cannot stop friendships or family.
5. It cannot change or alter the essence of WHO YOU ARE!

While I know that we will have periods of darkness and moments of despair, I am continually inspired by the members of my family and friends from around the world and all over the country that support us with words of encouragement and acts of kindness and generosity. They send cards, goofy electronic stickers and personal messages that bring smiles and outright laughter to both of us. My dear sweet SIL actually started a fund raiser a few days ago...an act of love that initially made honey and I uncomfortable but one that undeniably was done out of concern and love. SO...I am going to share it here as some of you have suggested. Please do NOT feel obligated in any way! I do this out of respect to my sister in law....we love you Lisa.

Thank you isn't even close to being enough to everyone that's helped us along the way...just know that your thoughtful and loving comments mean more than we can ever repay.

My dear honey continues to meet each day head on...we try to wring out as much joy as we can from each moment...sometimes to my sweet girl's annoyance! :o) Yes...I CAN be quite the pain in her butt! I told her that she should have read the fine print in our marriage contract...WOOHOO! :o)

I'm going to try to start posting, at least weekly some "honey-ism's." Tidbits about our life together and lesson's learned along the way. I'll try to keep most of them light...and hopefully give you a glimpse into some of the why's that I think my girl is so wonderful! Follow along if you'd like..I know it's not related to her health and I may get some negative feedback. So be it. If it becomes an issue, I'll move it exclusively to my blog.

Here's wishing all of you a fantastic day and a wonderful rest of the week! Honey as always, send hugs and kisses and continues to pray for those whom are also facing hardships and family issues. Much love to y'all!

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Valentines...or the lack thereof

The upcoming holiday has always been something that both bumused and annoyed me. What began as a Roman ritual for virility, was later named for a Christian martyr in the 5th century. So yeah...it's been around a while. Now days, it's a billion dollar commercial event that can cause stress or elation in equal measure, dependent on your particular perspective.

The annoying part for me is the social expectation to celebrate the love of your life on this day. Shouldn't we be doing that every day? I would think that the person most important to you would be worthy of acknowledgment more than once a year but hey, that's just me! While I have no issues with treating your significant other to a 'special' day out or a gift for no particular reason, I DO have a problem with designating a time and place. What's romantic about that? Where's the delight in discovering an unexspected surprise or treat?

The truly bumusing aspect is how many couples, young and old that allow this scheduled event to define their relationships! I've worked with folks that have had some truly horrific battles over percieved failures in demonstrating their 'feelings' on this day. As a former police officer, I dreaded the inevetabile domestic calls and epic arguments. As in all things, there's the good as well. Proposals, well thought out trips and extraordinary dates and successful nights out together or as a family. I just think that by and large, the vast majority of us have become insensate. Which makes this celebration of love, mediocre at best.

So...you want romance? Try this. Take the time each day to really talk to one another. Listen. LOOK the love of your life in the eye and sincerely care about what they're conveying to you. Tell them consistenly and often that you love them. Hold their hands, wrap them in a hug and kiss them. None of us know, when we walk out that door each day, what will happen. It could be the last time you ever see that person. Happens all the time. Don't wait. Don't leave any doubt or room for regrets. LOVE them each and every day like it could be the last day!

If you each really put the other first, you BOTH win...each and every time. Don't get a Valentine...BE a Valentine. Treasure that which you hold most dear and remember that no matter your status, we are each equal in not knowing the number of our days. 

Life Support

The challenge of the blank screen or page is something that we as writers face each and every time we sit down to begin a project. At times the words seem to flow effortlessly and when they do, that feeling of creation is a heady thing indeed.

Unfortunately that isn't always the case...for whatever reason, there inevitably will be a time when we struggle to keep our writing schedules or feel uninspired. Then that blinking cursor or the empty page are not only daunting but can seem insurmountable. We falter...questioning our abilities and our chosen path. Is this story worth telling? Am I doing it right?
The nothingness reflects like a mirror and the longer you stare the greater the void  becomes...the hiss of air escaping into the cold vacuum of space, would almost be comforting. Shuddering, we close the window and redirect our attention and in that moment our nemesis grins.

Is it over? It shouldn't be...not if this solitary profession is something you believe in! As writers, it's our JOB to overcome such challenges; to fight with our intellect and will. To mold that barren wasteland into something interesting and believable for others to see and appreciate. Creator of worlds and the shaper of destiny...not a bad job title, eh?

Writers, for the most part work alone and therein lies the biggest part of the problem. If you don't know why you're stuck or even if you DO, finding the solution on your own is akin to solving a rubics cube while juggling vials of hydrochloric acid and taking a polygraph. Sure, you can do it but there's gonna be scar's!

Having a support group of like minded folks is not only important but vital to keeping the muse in an agreeable mood. Spending the time and effort needed in finding a writiers group in your area that is positive and encouraging, will likely make the aformentioned task seem like childsplay but it's worth it!

Having a trusted group that will listen to and understand your frustrations and concerns is like having a team of crack EMS personnel at you disposal. Use them. More importantly, be there to lend a helpful hand of your own to a colleague in their time of need.

Tis A Reason

With the holiday season past, we look forward to the upcoming year with hope and optimism. Like most folks, I tend to reflect on the past year and weigh victories and defeats. It's a part of the human condition. What we mustn't do and what I am struggling to rectify in my own behavior is simply this...We CANNOT and SHOULD not accept ties! 

In our relationships and our professions, tying is the realization of "good enough!"As a writer this past year I've done several pieces that while acceptable, I KNEW weren't of a caliber that I was capable of.  I settled for "good enough." Shameful and ultimately; lazy.  Oh I have all the standard excuses...work pressures, family issues, personal problems, ect. but it boils down to this...I shrugged it off and let it slide because it was EASIER! 

We all need a reason for the things that we do...be it working, playing or writing. We justify the time, money and effort spent in each of these endeavors, allocating resources as we deem fit. Most often we place markers on our efforts by the tangable returns we see...in most instances this is indeed a valuable and time tested methodology. In matters of the heart and in our authoring expenditures however, it can be fool hardy.

As authors we work on projects and pour an enormous amount of time and effort into them. At SOME point, we DO have to send these works into the world and allow the readers to evaluate them. That's what story telling is all about, isn't it? We WILL be rejected by some and accepted by others. It is a part of the process, BUT we need to honestly evaluate the feedback we're given to improve our craft and hone our own abilities. More importantly, we need to commit ourselves to a dedicated schedule of writing, research and tradecraft that will consistently raise our personal standards. 

Failure is completely acceptable IF we've given our best in the effort. If we truly do THAT, failing is simply a strength building exercise for our next attempt! This applies in our writing and our life. To me, reaching a place of comfort where I'm willing to settle and say this is 'good enough' means I've acccepted that I can get no better and do no more. To ME...striving for the next level, PUSHING past the plateau is what life is all about! Digging deeper into the complexities of the human condition and ourselves is what enriches our experiences and widens our horizons...apply THAT to your WRITING and well...let's just say, tis the reason. 

One Sided Tolerance

This morning as I watch the stories coming in from Paris, I am sad and sickened but yet another senseless act of violence. My heart goes out to the people of Paris and their families. There are always a variety of opinions with such tradgedies but the one that mystifies me is the disclaimer I keep seeing attached to this one.

The repeated calls for 'tolerance' as applied to the Islamic refugees and the opening of our borders to them. Do I believe all the refugees are terrorist? No, of course not. Are there extremist using them as cover? I'd say that's a pretty safe bet.
Are they Muslim? Foolish question...yes, they are. So WHY are so many folks afraid to say so? Denying a thing because it isn't politically correct is madness. These terrorist ARE Muslim extremist and yes, that's a perversion of the religion but that doesn't change the facts.

This is not a call to hate Muslims. Hating all Muslims for the acts of terrorist is akin to hating all Christians for the actions of the Westboro church. Madness...plain and simple. BUT...

There is NO WAY to reliably weed out the fanatics from the victims. If anyone can give me a realistic way to do so, I'd be delighted to hear it. I'm not saying that we shouldn't help, but I AM saying that bringing unknown elements into our country is foolhardy. Camps could be established with no fly zones in their own country. Help with shelter, medicene and food are realistic and achievable goals. Security matters could (and SHOULD) be given to their own countrymen, who could be trained by NATO forces if need be. Once established, those wishing to enter other nations could do so through the establised processes already in place. Seems like common sense to me...

As a nation, we are known for our tolerance. Its part of what draws folks here and makes this country so great. Lately, it seems that we've been beat over the head with what MUST be excepted, least we be described as bigoted or racist. Standing for the very beliefs on which this country was founded are called outdated and old fashioned. Christians are ridiculed as are those speaking out for what they belief are traditional morals. Common sense has been caste aside in favor of the ridiculous. If the majority MUST respect the opinions of the few, why then is that respect not reciprocated?

Would you go to another country and demand that they speak your language, adhere to your religious viewpoint and enact your birth countries customs and laws? If so...then WHY did you leave that nation in the first place? Curious...is it not?

My point is simply this...their have ALWAYS been those who will not only use tragedies to their advantage, they'll figure out a way to profit from it. Such is the darker side of the human condtion but when is enough, ENOUGH?
How many innocents do we sacrifice in the name of blind belief? The belief that prayer or a better ideology will change the minds of extremist and that they'll suddenly join hands and sing Kum-By-Yah is foolish and simple minded. That hasn't EVER worked in the history of mankind. Not once. Period.

There's no reasoning with such mindsets. They can't be bought or rehabilitated. They don't care who they hurt, whether it's women or children makes no difference. If something is rabid you have two choices...put it down or leave it be...and if you ignore it and it kills, infects and destroys everything in its path before it implodes, are you too; responsible?
In my minds eye... yes, you are.

In this age of unaccountability, the shrug and eye roll seem perfectly acceptable as answers for most folks. Perhahps I've reached the age where being flexible has become something I abhor. We ignore the homeless, the struggling vets, the hungry and helpless in our own country.
We applaud lawlessness and rioting in the name of equality while promoting a disregard for authority and a lack of respect for decency and common sense.
A growing number of our countrymen are becoming more dependent on handouts and fewer than ever are willing to work hard for the American dream. Maybe that's a part of the reason that so much of the chaos in the world is deemed...normal.

Have we lost the ability to separate real evil from the mediocre? I want to believe that we as a nation aren't to far gone. That the majority still believe in the core priciples that founded this great country. I want to beleive that the majority has been silent...quietly hoping for change. The time for quiet acceptance is over. If you are one of the silent majority, its time to stand...peaceably and in a dignified manner.

Common sense. Dignity. Justice for all. Those words need to be understood by ALL. No one group should have the ability or right to ride herd over the majority when the basic idea makes NO SENSE. It must be reasonable and realistic. Trashing the rights of hundreds for the perceived right of the one is ludicrous...and it's in the news nearly every day.

For our leadership to pretend this isn't a global issue and to hamstring our professional soldiers in carrying out their missions isn't just criminally negligent, its disgraceful. By most accounts, our current leadership has gotten rid of more high ranking officers than any CIC in history. More than a little unsettling with the current state of the worlds affairs in my mind. If we can't trust our leadership to act in good faith with the wishes of the majority and to follow the rules, then we the people need to demand a change.

Don't wait for the upcoming elections. Make your voice HEARD to your elected officials! The time for silent indifference to important choices is over. As the debates rage over the xenophobic intolerance of western nations, I pose this simple question.  WHERE are the muslim majority that I keep hearing about that oppose the atrocities of radical extremist?

When a moment of silence was asked for at a soccer game in Turkey (our allies) for the victims of the Paris attacks, the crowd BOO'D and chanted Allah Akbar! REALLY? These weren't fanatics or terrorist but they couldn't even show a mutual moment of respect for innocent lives lost?

That is what I would call disgraceful. Disrespectful. Bewildering. And yet it wasn't on the mainstream news outlets...a gathering in Paris of muslim's speaking out against terrorism, a country with a population of FIVE MILLION muslims, drew a whooping THIRTY people. How is that possible? Once more...no news coverage.

IF the Islamic community remains silent in its opposition to such attacks AND cannot even show a single moment of solidarity as a whole, I wonder how then they can expect there to be any other viewpoints than fear and suspicion.

It's a complex issue and there aren't any easy answers but blindly rushing headlong into a wall, ignoring the obvious hasn't worked well so far. Do the research. Make INFORMED and rational decisions and MOST importantly, be involved in your communities and with your elected state and federal representatives. If they aren't doing the jobs they were elected for, it's OUR responsibility and duty to see that changed.