Friday, July 6, 2018

A Year Without Honey

A Year Without Honey....

I have done as you wished my girl, to the best of my ability. I've even managed to find love again, surprising as that is...but even with all of that; the pain of this day is not lessened. Not one bit. I still hear each labored breath...still watch helplessly as you slip away. Powerless. Helpless. Goddammit to hell...

You will always hold that place in my heart, that part of my soul that you so selflessly nourished and loved. You taught me humility and joy, made me a better person and man than I could have ever been on my own...so many gifts you left me.

Try as I might, sleep eluded me last night and as the sun rose my tears glisten with the pinkish gold of another day. The bitter saltiness seeps through my compressed lips as I shudder in the misery of your last days...just as my guilt threatens to overwhelm me, I feel you dear.

Whispering to me, soothing me...as you so often did. Encouraging me as I struggle with the challenges of moving on. It's still the smallest of things...a scent. A picture or a moment of deja vu. In the stillness of the morning and in the pounding of the rain, you are there. Tugging at my heart and nudging me forward...

“Live and be happy boy.” Yes dear...I'm trying.

So many changes these past months. I've moved from our condo and sold or donated most of our household belongings. Much of the rest is in storage until I can decide what to do with it. I'm learning to live again with someone I think you'd like and respect. She understands the duality of a heart thats suffered such a loss because she too is a widow.

We're learning together that being happy again isn't a reason for self recrimination. I don't believe that the door ever closes on a lost love but I do think it can become a room where we can visit with fondness and warmth, eventually.

So on this day while I grieve and the pain is so biting, I have hope that you are smiling and happy in the knowledge that I've not given up and am trying to share what you so generously gave me in abundance...love...now and forever my honey.