Updating
My Girl.....
I'm quickly approaching
the seven month mark without you by my side honey.
Unfathomable....but I'm writing this as a long overdue update and to
try to make peace with my soul. I hide it well these days but in
those quiet moments, I still fall apart my darling...my heart cries
out for what it knows cannot be and it's then that I shudder in
helpless rage as the tears fall. This isn't how it was supposed to
be!! For all of it's intensity, my anger and heartache are impotent.
I can no more confront a disease than I can God and I know what you
told me sweet girl...there isn't a reason or an answer.
Once upon a time just
being in your arms was enough. I knew because of the way you loved
me...I was blessed to have had you at all but it also makes missing
you that much harder. I will forever love you Tammy Jean.
On the positive side, your
belongings have been donated to the battered women's shelter as you
wished and I returned your training manuals and donated your
equipment belt to the Urbandale police department. The new chief was
kind enough to not only meet with me but spend thirty minutes of his
busy day sharing his thoughts and honoring your service. He also sent
me a challenge coin...in your honor. An impressive and compassionate
man indeed. Everyone loved my girl...
I've taken you home to our
boys and you'd be very proud of how well they're doing. I know I am.
My knees are doing well and with minimal direct therapy; I was
released to continue on my own without follow up, yesterday. I also
joined a gym and have dedicated myself to four days a week. You're
always in my ear whispering encouragement and chuckling when I'm sore
babe. I've lost 32 lbs to date and the goal is another 50 by years
end.
I'm also trying to be
present and remain engaged with family and friends. You know that
this most of all is hard for me...but I do try.
I see the surgeon on
Monday and baring the unforeseen, he should allow me to return to
work on the 16th of February. I'm going to SD afterwards
to spend time with my father, brothers and family again before I
return to the grind. I'll return in time to clear the company doctor
and prepare myself to get back into a work routine once more.
I've set the goal of
returning to some kind of writing schedule by the end of June.
Hopefully, that won't have to be adjusted but we'll see. Life marches
forward and I reluctantly accept that...but I miss our life. Your
laughter most of all. There is still beauty in this world and I truly
try to see it as you did...full of optimism and hope. I want to
continue to carry that which you taught me...that beacon of belief
into the better natures of all. It's a struggle and not in my
nature...but I hear you dear. Now and forever, my honey.
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