The Honey Rule...

The Honey Rule...

Shortly after honey and I first became a couple, I realized that she struggled with depression and low self esteem. It was something that she really tried very hard to hide from the world but those few she got close too saw it. She could become withdrawn and sullen, at times those feelings of worthlessness would overwhelm her and bring her too tears.

Her way of counteracting this was exercise and throwing herself fully into a cause that had a high probability of failure...and I would watch in amazement as she tilted against the windmills of her heart while loving and sharing herself with strangers. It was this undaunted spirit that I feel hopelessly in love with...at the time, it was also that vulnerability that called to me....and spoke to my soul.

We are all shaped by our experiences and by our reactions (or lack thereof) to those circumstances. We are driven by complexities that we cannot always explain...but we do feel it. Honey and I shared many of the same traits, we just executed them in dynamically different ways. Where she would embrace and encourage the broken and the lost, I would charge in looking to confront the cause...she once asked me if I'd always run towards the sound of gunfire. She called it, “White Knight Syndrome.” My response was a shrug and a grunt...to which she'd rolled her eyes. Like all couples, it took us time to learn about each other and breach the walls that we all build to shelter our innermost self's.

We all harbor pain and scars...the causes are as different and unique as the individual but the intensity is universal. It's when we trust another enough to share these that true love begins...my sweet girl taught me (painstakingly) that to make peace with some things, you had to first embrace it. I taught her that you also had to also let it go. As flawed people, this is often easier said than done. So...long ago, honey and I made a rule. It sounds simple but it took us a few years to both figure it out and implement it faithfully. The rule was this...

No matter the circumstance or reason, you are allowed just ONE pity pot day in any given week. No exceptions...no excuses. On that day you could cry, vent, sulk or be pissed at the world and bemoan the injustice of it all. As partners, on that day you could be as supportive or as distant as required. What you could NOT do was try to fix or rationalize the other's feelings or dismiss the validity of that feeling. Period. As a man, this was especially difficult for me...I wanted to FIX it! It took time to realize that fixing some things isn't possible...no matter what.

We held each other to that standard...usually with good humor and love. Even throughout her worst trials and illness. We came to this agreement with the mutual understanding that life is short and uncertain and that it was counterproductive to waste precious days not enjoying each other and living. It led to some odd conversations when one or the other would exhibit blue behaviors beyond a day... this is from when she was very sick.

Coming home from work and coming to the top of the stairs, I'd found her staring out the sliding glass doors at the rain drenched morning. Knowing she'd been depressed and angry the day before, I'd kissed her lightly on her head, asking how she was doing. Sullen, she'd replied.

“Same as everyday...like shit.”

My heart breaking, I'd sat next to her and taken her hand. Replying softly.

“Yeah...I know. Can I get you anything?” Shaking her head she'd sighed, answering. “I think God's forgotten me.”

As most of you know, honey was the more faithful one of us...blinking tears, I'd slide off the couch and knelt in front of her. Taking both hands, I'd gently tugged her forward until our foreheads touched. Kissing her nose, I'd said hoarsely.

“Not possible. I bug the shit out'a him several times an hour.”

Shaking her head, a smile ghosting her mouth, she'd said.

“I'm gonna have to apologize for you everywhere I go, aren't I?”

Kissing her and tracing her arms with my fingertips, I'd swallowed hard and whispered. “Yup!”

Wiping each other's tears, she'd added. “I gotta get off the pot, huh.”

Wrapping my arms around her and burying me head in her neck, she'd held me while I sobbed. Stroking my head she'd softly chided me. “One day a week boy...you already had yours...”

I remember telling her that sometimes this rule really sucks...and at that we'd both sniffed and chuckled. Squeezing each other hard...

“But it works...” she whispered. It did...it does. For us anyway way.

Yesterday marked three months without you my honey. I slept very little...four hours in the last 36...even with Xanax, which I detest. I've had my day honey...I hear you...But I miss your smile, your touch and laughter...but more than that...your heart. Your faith in me and in us...I knew without asking that you'd be there. Unflinchingly at my back when I rushed in...as I was for you.

I miss our frank conversations and the moments of comfortable silence when we could just be...the tiny things. Smelling your hair as I held you from behind while you were at the stove or waiting for coffee. Holding your hand...dancing with you in the store...at the mailbox...the way you always woke me with a kiss. So many happy moments in time...it's the tiny details that stand out and I realize it was because of that silly rule...the one were we made each other accountable for the other's happiness.

So...for you my darling, I keep trying. Trying to see the world as you did...as a place to be explored and enjoyed at every opportunity. I try...to hope and believe...to share as I can. I don't know if it really matters to anyone but it does to me. It's here that I feel you the most...were the pain is bearable.

I don't know what's next...if there is a time or a place when I can get beyond daydreaming, wishing and lounging too fulfilling those promises. I know so few things these days...except that I'm thankful for the time we had. I'm trying hard to not be resentful of it not being more...I love you babe.

Now and always, Tammy Jean...