A Ride In The Rain....

A honey-ism. 

A Ride In The Rain...

As honey and I began our relationship those many years ago, we began like many couples do that are either in or coming out of a failed marriage. Hesitantly...with baggage, preconceptions and expectations that were no doubt skewed by the desires of the heart. Add children into that mix and you have the potential for disaster...at the very LEAST, there's going to be some fairly severe adjustments for everyone involved. It's messy under the best circumstances. Period. 

Our first romantic moment was actually anti-climatic. It'd been storming for several days and as usual, I was spending a Sunday morning at the dojo trying to catch up on the paperwork and cleaning the facility. The school was closed and I clearly recall my mood as being bleak. I was going though a difficult divorce and felt like I'd failed...yes, it takes two to do that but it didn't change the way I felt. It was nearing noon and back then I was a smoker. As I was preparing to leave, finished for the day; I remember'd that I'd finished my last cigarette on my way in earlier...it deepened my annoyance. 

Scowling, I gathered my key's and heard a knock on the locked main glass door. I remember stopping and staying inside my office, hoping whoever it was would realize that the closed sign meant just that...I wasn't in the right frame of mind for a prospective client. A few seconds passed and just as I'd begun to hope my ploy had succeeded came another serious of knocks...more of an insistent banging. Grumbling obscenities under my breath, I headed to the door and reaching it; saw my honey huddled close to the building to try and avoid the steady drizzle.

Unlocking the door, I ushered her in greeting her but adding that I was just about to leave. Tj had nodded, clearly nervous (unusual for her) and smiling had blurted. “I was just sort'a driving around and saw your car here...I thought maybe...that...uhm...you'd like to get some lunch?” She'd smiled again as she finished but I could tell she was clearly not in her comfort zone. As I mulled it over, thinking more about getting that smoke ( I never smoked at the school or in front of students) than anything else, she quickly added. “You don't HAVE too! It's not a big deal or anything...” 

Chuckling because I'd never seen her uncertain about anything before, I'd started to answer but she misinterpreted my reaction as a rejection and started to hurriedly excuse herself. I placed a hand on her shoulder as she started to turn away, saying. “Whoa! Lunch would be great!” Meeting her gaze, I'd grinned, adding that I did need to make a quick stop first for my nicotine habit.
She'd just bought her very first new vehicle a few months before. A white Isuzu Rodeo...(which years later would become our oldest son's first car.) she was very proud of it and honey was not a smoker. I'd assumed we'd just take both vehicles so she surprised me by stating. “Tell you what...why don't we just take my car and I'll bring you back. We can get your smokes but I'd rather you not light up in it. Is that ok?”

As we stood looking at one another, I still recall something in my mind sensing that she wanted...or rather needed to tell me something that was important to her. Shrugging, I'd accepted adding that I could smoke after we ate. Back then, smoking in restaurants was acceptable. I no longer remember exactly where we ate but I do know it was typical to what we have done most of our relationship. Honey had a healthier, sensible meal...fish and a salad and I had red meat and potatoes in some fashion or another! LOL! Our conversation was light...work, the school, kids and some good natured ribbing about my eating habits and smoking. The rain had picked up and we both talked about how we enjoyed driving in it. The smell...the rhythmic thump of the wipers and especially the sound it on the metal roof. 

Hurrying back to her SUV, we both got in damp and a little chilled. Grinning broadly, she's asked if I wanted to go for a ride and I'd quickly agreed. Being a sheriffs deputy, honey knew all the backroads and this is were we drove. In the winding roads of the Tennessee countryside, traffic was light and after a while, we came to an abandoned gas station out in the middle of nowhere. The rain was coming down in a torrent...pounding the vehicle and blotting out visibility. Pulling in, she'd parked and we both just sat listening to the drumming deluge. Lightning flashed, illuminating the sky as thunder rumbled and boomed in it's passage. 

Haltingly...she'd broached the subject of her past. Telling me a little about her upbringing and some of the tragedies she'd endured. Her feelings of inadequacy...guilt...rage...all of these things came tumbling out. She'd cried..gripping the steering wheel in a iron grip...great soul wrenching sobs that had her shuddering. As I leaned across the seat, I gently pried her hands from the steering wheel and held her...it was all I could do. She was mumbling apologies...embarrassed at her loss of control. I'd heard only bit's and pieces but enough to know that she was in agony...seared by a torment that she usually kept hidden from the world. 

Almost in sync with the storm, as the rain slackened, her sobbing subsided. I could smell her damp hair and the light perfume that she wore. Pulling away from me she'd sniffed, rummaging for a tissue in the doors panel. What little mascara she wore was in ruins...blowing her nose and clearing her throat, she'd again turned toward me and mumbled apologies...a final flash of lightning close by illuminate us both in it's brilliance, the crashing boom loud enough to startle each of us. In that moment, I saw her as I suspect she'd rarely let anyone see her...vulnerable, with a sorrow that was achingly deep. 

Reaching across to wipe away a tear with my thumb, I'd kissed her. Softly...tenderly. It was a brief kiss but as I leaned back I saw her eyes open with surprise and even a little shock. My mind instantly roared into self recriminations...what had I done! I'd certainly breached my role as an instructor and mentor! Shit!! Idiot...now you've done it! 

As all of that raced through me, I started to pull away...sputtering what I'm sure was inarticulate nonsense...when she reached out and pulled me back, returning my kiss with one of her own. It was passionate and full of need, lasting sweet long minutes before we parted; each breathless and full of desire. There'd been no groping...but it's intensity had been unlike anything I'd ever experienced. I was lost in her eyes and wanted more but instead she hugged me fiercely, whispering into my ear that she was sorry before abruptly letting me go and putting the vehicle into gear, heading back towards town. 

It was still drizzling...and I couldn't help but watch her as she focused on the road. I'd asked if she was ok and she'd simply nodded. I'd apologized and she vigorously shook her head, mumbling that it was her fault...she'd been stupid. Although I asked several more questions and tried reassuring her that she wasn't guilty of anything, I got no further response. In time we arrived back to my own vehicle and I remember the swirl of confused emotions that I know we both were feeling...we had ignited a spark but neither of us had any idea what to do with it. 

As I opened my door to get out, she took my hand and squeezed. Locking eyes with me, her's had misted and she said simply. “Thank you.” I squeezed back, replying in kind before getting out and watching her drive away. I really doubted I'd ever see her again...but even then I'd known. 

She'd taken my heart with her that day in the rain.

A Honey Update...

My sweet girl 14 months ago in training for a 50+ competition....For those following along, you'll know a lot has changed for us these past months. My honey has been battling multiple types of cancer with a courage and vigor that have been truly amazing to behold. There is no quit in her.

Unfortunately three weeks ago, the choice was taken from her. The chemo treatments (after another long ten day stay) had beaten her immune system and body into a state that was no longer sustainable. The decision was made to focus on quality instead of quantity of life...it was the most difficult day of this process thus far.

We've been home a little over three weeks now and she's still struggling to eat anything solid. The lingering effects of treatments can last for as long as 10-12 weeks...time which she feels is being wasted still being sick and unable to do the 'normal' things that she so desperately wants too. The mouth and throat sore are healed and next week they'll likely remove the PIC in her arm.

The hospice team has been truly wonderful. They are an amazing group of loving and caring folks. Many of you here and our friends and family have also been a source of constant support and inspiration for both of us and I sincerely thank each and everyone of you. I know that my replies are often delayed and if I've missed someone, I apologize. The days seem to blur...it's not intentional.

The most difficult part has been watching the one I love the most, slowly be diminished both physically and spiritually. It's like staring at the sun as it slowly sets in the horizon...she's becoming less communicative and interested in the world around her. I'm told this is normal. I accept that...but it sears my soul to bear witness to the dimming of such a bright and beautiful beacon of hope and tenacity. Her kind and loving light is still there...but it's beginning to flicker as if caught in a strong wind.

She prefers now to sleep on the couch...a perplexity that I couldn't understand until a friend of her's told me that her greatest fear was of passing in her sleep and me waking to find her next to me...still...even now...she worries of me first. I think and believe that we are still far from there...but I could be wrong. Please God...let me be right...just this once.

And so....this will be my last sad post. I will instead be posting "honeyism's" from now on. Tales of our journey before this low point...of who she is and why I love her so very much...It won't be fitness stuff....so this forum may not be the right venue but follow along if you wish...unfriend me if you don't. It ain't that hard.

As always, my girls sends her thanks and much love to you all. Her eyes still sparkle in delight at your comments and your own personal victories. She is still prayerful for those facing their own struggles and heartache. As I mentioned...there's no quit in her.

As she so often told her own fitness and martial arts students...DON'T CHEAT YOU! Do your best and never worry about how other's perceive you...they don't live YOUR life and haven't the slightest clue of what you're capable of...be happy with who and where you are as long as your moving it forward, it's ALL good!

Yes dear...

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A Honey Update...

A honey update...She had a visit from a furry friend yesterday and enjoyed it immensely! :o) At six days out of the hospital, she is feeling a bit better physically. Eating is still challenging but the sores in her mouth and on her lips are nearly gone. Her throat seems to be healing the slowest and there are still periods of nausea and vomiting. Improving...but in small degrees.

The most difficult challenge so far had been the spiritual one. Adjusting to the idea of hospice care has been a stark reminder of the limitations of mortality. It's been disheartening for both of us. I think the even at her sickest, she always felt that she was 'fighting' the damnable cancer...for her, the cessation of chemo feels like quitting. She knows intellectually that isn't the case but it FEELS like it! After 14 months, I understand her weariness...but it hurts my heart to see her so melancholy.

Our hospice nurse has been terrific and is slowly making a personal connection with my honey. I marvel at the ability of such special people to dedicate themselves to helping (and I dare say, loving) other's facing such daunting challenges every day. It's a rare talent indeed.

We sat down and made a list of all the things cancer cannot do...
1. It cannot stop love.
2. It cannot diminish character.
3. It cannot crush spirit.
4. It cannot stop friendships or family.
5. It cannot change or alter the essence of WHO YOU ARE!

While I know that we will have periods of darkness and moments of despair, I am continually inspired by the members of my family and friends from around the world and all over the country that support us with words of encouragement and acts of kindness and generosity. They send cards, goofy electronic stickers and personal messages that bring smiles and outright laughter to both of us. My dear sweet SIL actually started a fund raiser a few days ago...an act of love that initially made honey and I uncomfortable but one that undeniably was done out of concern and love. SO...I am going to share it here as some of you have suggested. Please do NOT feel obligated in any way! I do this out of respect to my sister in law....we love you Lisa.

Thank you isn't even close to being enough to everyone that's helped us along the way...just know that your thoughtful and loving comments mean more than we can ever repay.

My dear honey continues to meet each day head on...we try to wring out as much joy as we can from each moment...sometimes to my sweet girl's annoyance! :o) Yes...I CAN be quite the pain in her butt! I told her that she should have read the fine print in our marriage contract...WOOHOO! :o)

I'm going to try to start posting, at least weekly some "honey-ism's." Tidbits about our life together and lesson's learned along the way. I'll try to keep most of them light...and hopefully give you a glimpse into some of the why's that I think my girl is so wonderful! Follow along if you'd like..I know it's not related to her health and I may get some negative feedback. So be it. If it becomes an issue, I'll move it exclusively to my blog.

Here's wishing all of you a fantastic day and a wonderful rest of the week! Honey as always, send hugs and kisses and continues to pray for those whom are also facing hardships and family issues. Much love to y'all!

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The Best You...

After what for some has been a stressful and challanging week, I'm hoping that this finds all of you in a better frame of mind and ready to move forward. There's been far too much hate and discontent of late...and not just with the election stuff.

As adults, most of us have had to learn how to deal with thwarted goals, delayed plans and things that (from our perspective) have just been difficult to accept. It's part of life. Fair is a word that generally only applies in sporting events...in life, you win or you learn. For me, there has never been a lose.

Difficulties? Yep. Set backs? Gawd...too many to count! But you know what? I'm still here. Still. here. That's what really matters my friends...because the reality is one day, no matter what... we won't be.

Each of us experiences heartache, pain and loss. How we deal with these things is a matter of attitude. Pure and simple... it's one of the reasons that we must cultivate and cherish those folks that inspire and ecourage us. We all need a hand getting up once in a while.

As individuals, I also believe that you must learn to keep an open mind (and heart) to those whom disagree with you. I'm not talking about the caustic and the hateful here...I'm not advocating wasting precious time on those that cannot discuss without name calling and finger pointing BUT I am saying to give yourself permission to LISTEN and decide on what's best for you.

It's ok to say no. To agree to disagree and move on. If this past few years has taught me nothing else, it has shown me that I need not agree with you to respect you. The world would be a truly boring place if we all thought exactly the same...we need that diversity...that diferent perspective. Some of my closest friends have widely different world views than I. Our lives journeys have been unparralled and so we see things from altered viewpoints.

It can be maddening...but it's also usually refreshing. Teachable moments are something we should treasure and pass along. Not all knowledge is in books and matters of the heart mean little if not shared. If you have friends...true ones...not likes...not those folks that you nod at in passing, tell them what they mean to you, include them and make time for them because you never know what tomorrow may bring.

Like you all, I've lost friends and family. Some came home, draped beneath our nations flag...for those, I remember my oath.

This is our time...what we choose to do with it is up to us. SO...I thank each of you for your support...your time and effort to help others. What I challenge ALL of you to do (including myself!) is to be a brighter beacon. Work towards and FOR those things that inspire you or that you desire to see a change in! Be it fitness, health or social and political change...DO SOMETHING POSITIVE to make it a reality.

Be responsible and accountable...blaming others is always the easiest path and when looked at truthfully, it's usually the falsest one as well. Some things are beyond our control...like my honey's cancer...I hate it.

 I can't change it and that makes me hate it even more...but if I refuse to accept it will it change the reality? No...not one damn bit. What I can do...what I strive to do...is to make each day as full and as rewarding as possible for both of us. Be positive. Be involved. Honey shares this experience with others that are struggling to cope. It's hard...sometimes overwhelmingly so...she does it anyway.

Do I agree? Hell no...but I am inspired...and sometimes a little daunted.

I hope this finds each of you enjoying the weekend and your friends and families. We're all pulled in mutilple directions every day...remember to make time to work on being the best version of YOU that you can be!

Valentines...or the lack thereof

The upcoming holiday has always been something that both bumused and annoyed me. What began as a Roman ritual for virility, was later named for a Christian martyr in the 5th century. So yeah...it's been around a while. Now days, it's a billion dollar commercial event that can cause stress or elation in equal measure, dependent on your particular perspective.

The annoying part for me is the social expectation to celebrate the love of your life on this day. Shouldn't we be doing that every day? I would think that the person most important to you would be worthy of acknowledgment more than once a year but hey, that's just me! While I have no issues with treating your significant other to a 'special' day out or a gift for no particular reason, I DO have a problem with designating a time and place. What's romantic about that? Where's the delight in discovering an unexspected surprise or treat?

The truly bumusing aspect is how many couples, young and old that allow this scheduled event to define their relationships! I've worked with folks that have had some truly horrific battles over percieved failures in demonstrating their 'feelings' on this day. As a former police officer, I dreaded the inevetabile domestic calls and epic arguments. As in all things, there's the good as well. Proposals, well thought out trips and extraordinary dates and successful nights out together or as a family. I just think that by and large, the vast majority of us have become insensate. Which makes this celebration of love, mediocre at best.

So...you want romance? Try this. Take the time each day to really talk to one another. Listen. LOOK the love of your life in the eye and sincerely care about what they're conveying to you. Tell them consistenly and often that you love them. Hold their hands, wrap them in a hug and kiss them. None of us know, when we walk out that door each day, what will happen. It could be the last time you ever see that person. Happens all the time. Don't wait. Don't leave any doubt or room for regrets. LOVE them each and every day like it could be the last day!

If you each really put the other first, you BOTH win...each and every time. Don't get a Valentine...BE a Valentine. Treasure that which you hold most dear and remember that no matter your status, we are each equal in not knowing the number of our days. 

Life Support

The challenge of the blank screen or page is something that we as writers face each and every time we sit down to begin a project. At times the words seem to flow effortlessly and when they do, that feeling of creation is a heady thing indeed.

Unfortunately that isn't always the case...for whatever reason, there inevitably will be a time when we struggle to keep our writing schedules or feel uninspired. Then that blinking cursor or the empty page are not only daunting but can seem insurmountable. We falter...questioning our abilities and our chosen path. Is this story worth telling? Am I doing it right?
The nothingness reflects like a mirror and the longer you stare the greater the void  becomes...the hiss of air escaping into the cold vacuum of space, would almost be comforting. Shuddering, we close the window and redirect our attention and in that moment our nemesis grins.

Is it over? It shouldn't be...not if this solitary profession is something you believe in! As writers, it's our JOB to overcome such challenges; to fight with our intellect and will. To mold that barren wasteland into something interesting and believable for others to see and appreciate. Creator of worlds and the shaper of destiny...not a bad job title, eh?

Writers, for the most part work alone and therein lies the biggest part of the problem. If you don't know why you're stuck or even if you DO, finding the solution on your own is akin to solving a rubics cube while juggling vials of hydrochloric acid and taking a polygraph. Sure, you can do it but there's gonna be scar's!

Having a support group of like minded folks is not only important but vital to keeping the muse in an agreeable mood. Spending the time and effort needed in finding a writiers group in your area that is positive and encouraging, will likely make the aformentioned task seem like childsplay but it's worth it!

Having a trusted group that will listen to and understand your frustrations and concerns is like having a team of crack EMS personnel at you disposal. Use them. More importantly, be there to lend a helpful hand of your own to a colleague in their time of need.

Tis A Reason

With the holiday season past, we look forward to the upcoming year with hope and optimism. Like most folks, I tend to reflect on the past year and weigh victories and defeats. It's a part of the human condition. What we mustn't do and what I am struggling to rectify in my own behavior is simply this...We CANNOT and SHOULD not accept ties! 

In our relationships and our professions, tying is the realization of "good enough!"As a writer this past year I've done several pieces that while acceptable, I KNEW weren't of a caliber that I was capable of.  I settled for "good enough." Shameful and ultimately; lazy.  Oh I have all the standard excuses...work pressures, family issues, personal problems, ect. but it boils down to this...I shrugged it off and let it slide because it was EASIER! 

We all need a reason for the things that we do...be it working, playing or writing. We justify the time, money and effort spent in each of these endeavors, allocating resources as we deem fit. Most often we place markers on our efforts by the tangable returns we see...in most instances this is indeed a valuable and time tested methodology. In matters of the heart and in our authoring expenditures however, it can be fool hardy.

As authors we work on projects and pour an enormous amount of time and effort into them. At SOME point, we DO have to send these works into the world and allow the readers to evaluate them. That's what story telling is all about, isn't it? We WILL be rejected by some and accepted by others. It is a part of the process, BUT we need to honestly evaluate the feedback we're given to improve our craft and hone our own abilities. More importantly, we need to commit ourselves to a dedicated schedule of writing, research and tradecraft that will consistently raise our personal standards. 

Failure is completely acceptable IF we've given our best in the effort. If we truly do THAT, failing is simply a strength building exercise for our next attempt! This applies in our writing and our life. To me, reaching a place of comfort where I'm willing to settle and say this is 'good enough' means I've acccepted that I can get no better and do no more. To ME...striving for the next level, PUSHING past the plateau is what life is all about! Digging deeper into the complexities of the human condition and ourselves is what enriches our experiences and widens our horizons...apply THAT to your WRITING and well...let's just say, tis the reason.